january january quite contrary
the first of hopefully 12 of these.
what do i have to say about this month oh that’s better. i switched fonts. oh wait let me try —
oh that might be it no wait – is this better? this might be better.
first rule of google doc, only choose a font that brings you joy.
(when i wrote this in a google doc those were all different fonts and i enjoyed the journey so i left it in even though the joke doesn’t land here because they all copy-and-pasted as the same serif font. okay enough preamble.)
ok i’m trying to do one of these every month to synthesize my life and force me to write and all that jazz. i can’t promise they’ll be good or insightful or even that anyone will read them but i’ll write them anyway. (okay now ACTUALLY enough preamble please get to the point rachel, any point, i dare you for the love of everlovingCHRIST)
january is a lot of people’s least favourite month. the third monday of the month has literally been nicknamed blue monday and is alleged to be the most depressing day of the year. i’ve always liked january. it’s my birthday month, for starters. narcissist alert, i know. but because of that, january has always inherently been a month of celebration for me. and what more beautiful reason to celebrate than literally being alive for another year? i also like all the silly symbolism of a new beginning and a clean slate and blah blah blah. i also think we don’t need to wait for a new calendar year to implement change and better habits and new goals and rituals into our lives but if the calendar flipping is the catalyst people need to transform their lives, so be it.
i also like new years. hot take i know. maybe it’s because it’s a holiday that is highly associated with glitter which is one my life’s pillars. (magic/make-believe, sparkles, mr. brightside, and mark ruffalo, thanks for asking.) this particular new year’s had a specific magic in its air too. my friend natalie and i slept over at our friends’ and right before midnight we all walked down to the beach and read our resolutions/intentions/goals/call-them-what-you-want and it felt very woo-woo but also important and cathartic and momentous. maybe i don’t need to qualify my woo-wooness. maybe i’m just a woo-woo person now. another thing that made it all seem more vital than usual was because this was the first new years since The Last Great New Years where I could uh hang out with my friends. 2020 i partied hardy (cannot bELIEVE i just said that) and then 2021 and 2022 were spent…on zoom. i shudder at the thought. rest in peace zoom happy hours. 2020-2022.
and so 2023 was thrust upon me and my friends. friends who a year ago were that kind of new friend you’re not quite at the new-years’-sleepover-reading-your-intentions-in-a-weirdly-ritualistic-way-on-the-beach-kind of level yet. the month and the year began by jumping headfirst back into rehearsals for a play i was doing. and it’s funny, up until that week, i hadn’t felt totally myself in rehearsals for this particular project. i largely blame the lighting at the rehearsal hall that made my head feel funny but something about coming back after our holiday break and moving into the theatre and wearing our costumes reignited all the reasons i love theatre.
my 26th birthday was a two-show day and it was perfect. the cast got me a cake between shows and my show friends (that have since turned real friends) took me for a caesar (famously my drink of choice) and my mom brought champagne after the show for a big toast. the night before my friends who came to the show took me out after (a lot of prepositions in that sentence, sorry) and we toasted at the strike of midnight to “auditioning for things and kissing boys.” because who says a girl can’t have it all?
the run of the show was spent hanging out backstage and making inside jokes and memories because the thing about theatre is it only lasts a moment. and then? hangover or heartbreak — and often both despite the fact that i was trying to do dry january but best laid plans etc etc — ensues. but objects in motion tend to stay in motion. before i knew it i was cast in two new projects (brag). i was writing again. i was being an active participant in my own life. i was journaling and taking myself to the movies* and submitting to things that scared me and doing all the things that make life richer. even if i have so much credit card debt it’s scary. but that’s not the point here. the point is i’m happy. and i am happy being happy. 26 is less scary than i thought. but i’m only like three weeks in so give it time.
*babylon is bad you don’t need to see it
xo,
rach